When Pam came in, she was in a particularly difficult situation. She had a long history of physical and sexual abuse that she could remember even back to when she was a baby. She had been timed while taking showers as a child and was beaten when they exceeded her limit. She had been in several abusive relationships and had two husbands that beat and raped her severely. It all eventually came to a head when she was pushed out of a car going down a busy highway. She had decided to leave and start a new life and came in for help.
She walked weekly to the office, about five miles or so each way, and we would discuss future plans on how to improve her quality of life. Aside from work goals and financial goals I decided to talk with her about her own self love. It wasn't part of the program, but I felt like after 7 years of working with the clients, I had a pretty good idea what was missing. Call it youthful arrogance, but it worked. She couldn't stand to see herself in a mirror. She never spent any time on herself at all because she had been told for over 30 years that she wasn't good enough. I saw Pam as the strongest and most resilient woman I'd ever met and I wanted her to see what I saw so I made two simple suggestions.
1. Stand naked in front of the mirror every single day and say something nice.
2. Do something that you enjoy every single day.
Those two things were a monumental task for Pam, but she was so determined to make a better life that she didn't look at barely-adult me and tell me I was insane... she just took the challenge. She started off small. 30 seconds in the mirror one day, a minute the next. She took a long bath one day as the one thing she enjoyed, the next she tried out makeup. She got her hair cut and she picked out some new clothes from our supply that she felt nice in.
Eventually Pam had saved enough money to buy a car to drive to her new job and to our meetings. She started renting her own house that she decorated with things she loved and she wore makeup and clothes she loved everyday. She then moved to another state on her own to start her new life. I haven't heard from her since, but Pam taught me more about life than I think I taught her. I still make myself live by those same rules to this day- almost 10 years later.
I thought about her today when I had a client come in today that I have been working with on a new financial start. The similarities in stories are striking and today she felt beautiful because she spent a little extra time putting on makeup and picking out an outfit she liked. I offered for her to take some pictures in my office full length mirror and after about 5 minutes of trying, she said the words, "I cant do it yet." I looked at her and said, "it gets easier with practice."
All this to say, that whole proverbial "practice what you preach" is in full effect on this side. If you are having a tough time finding that self love or if it feels like you just cant manage some of the things I talk about on my blog or maybe there is doubt that even I manage them, know that I know I'm not perfect either. I still stand in front of the mirror every day and some days it is almost too hard to find something nice to say. I get it right most days now, but there will always be days I get it wrong. Know that it takes practice. It takes time and it takes good days and so many more bad days to get it right.
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